Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.

   My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.