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Seventy minus one equals dinner for two. 
How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.
A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”
If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.
If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.
If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.
Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."
If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.
I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.
What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3
Happy Mothers Day to all the good Mothers out there and a BIG f#ck you to all the sh!tty ones
I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day
What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor: "Is this her first child?" Me: "No, this is her husband."
When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.
Hey everyone storing up food and supplies 'In case of the 2012 apocalypse', if it happens, you're going to be murdered for that sh!t.
The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.
When a woman says "I can't get laid" we all know she's just being damn picky.
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