Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!

   NOTICE: "Flirt Detection" FB Timeline Monitor has detected your significant other commenting a restricted user's picture. Do you wish to end the relationship? [Yes/No]. [Yes] Relationship ended. User has been submitted to FB Cheaters archives.

   My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right?

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.

   i have a new friend who is deaf. It is great that she reads lips. I just wish she would stop highlighting my mouth every time I say something important.

   "Religious moderation is the product of secular knowledge and scriptural ignorance."

   I think I'm going to get the bird flu from the grey goose and wild turkey I'm drinking tonight