Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!

   I must admit, I am a powerful man. I've got more pull than John Travolta at a massage parlor...

   That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*

   Remember when you were young and you liked to blow bubbles? Well, hes back in town and wants you to give him a call...

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   Last night my wife is sipping a glass of wine while sitting with me, she says: I love you so much I don't know how I ever live without you! Me: Is it you talking or is it the wine? Her: It's me talking to the wine!

   You're so vain, I'll bet you think this post is about you, don't you? don't you?

   tanning salons should make tanning funner like a tanning moonbounce called the shake n bake

   concentrate on fixing your own heterosexual marriage before you lecture on what's wrong with their relationship

   I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.

   Nearly 2 million DEAD Americans are still registered to vote... Therefore, President Obama might LITERALLY be reelected over our DEAD bodies!

   Thinks everyone should feel "Happy Go Lucky" everyday & not just on Fridays!!!

   Wow, Mitt. First animal abuse and now a school bully.....and you think you're a good example?.......of what?

   Last night I brought this woman back from the bar and couldn't get it up. I looked at her and all I could say was; sorry, no hard feelings.

   Every morning me and my dog play rock paper scissors to see who eats first today I finally ate first.