Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?

   If I could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   Come on guys, lets be honest, gays only want to be married for tax breaks. They don't believe in God or anything Christian so that is the only reason. Don't lie to yourself or others.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   Being a virgin these days is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn.

   Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.

   Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.

   Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!

   Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   Twilight. A love triangle between a mentally handicapped girl, a disco ball, and a hairy pedophile.

   Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”