Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   The best things in life are free. The worst things in life will cost you half of everything you own.

   Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   ..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",)

   Hey if life hand's you lemons , you better find someone that life handed sugar and water ,or your lemonaide is gonna taste like crap...

   If life hands you lemons, hey.... free lemons.

   Please , with all that is good in life ..shoove those lemons up your backside ??

   Of all the things I pictured happening to me today, accidentally giving myself a facial while m@turb@ting was no where on that list.

   This post is so good you will read it twice, this post is so good you just read it twice.

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   Vidal Sassoon is mourned by all the suicide blonde's who DYED at their own hands.

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   My wife says I look tough with my headphones on...she doesnt need to know I am listening to Annie

   how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put him on a stage with Tigers!!!

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....