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What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,, 
Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder...
If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .
"Your Honor, Mr Travolta attempted to go up my client's nose with a rubber hose"
There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."
No more information! We have too much of that stuff.
I really wanna say "let's set up a perimeter," but I really don't want to be in a situation where I'd have to.
Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter.
When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!
My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)
Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays
teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.
Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there
I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.
Dear bl@ck people, stop trying to impress others with fancy cars and clothes. Let's try impress each other with investments and good credit!
Well that's a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I'm doing
Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!
What's the best thing about dating a fat b!tch? You can leave the toilet seat up and they don't notice.
It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that
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