Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   You don't need a $500 camera to take a photo of the bathroom mirror.

   Every girl has 3 personalities: 1) When she's with her family. 2) When she's with her friends. 3) When she's with HIM.

   Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   "If at first you don't succeed skydiving definitely isn't for you."

   Think...we have imaginary farms, cities and animals. It's OK to poke people and write on walls...Facebook is a mental hospital and we are all patients!!!