Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name

   "I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

   i have never faked a Sarcasm in my life

   women who dont wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch

   Actually, I can believe it's not butter...

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Charles thought he'd struck gold with his metal detector. It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft hole that he realized that he had steel-toe boots.

   If God had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow.

   The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

   Ladies: If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   Ladies, why does it take you so long to get ready? Is it that hard to put on a fu?king apron?

   Put Anthony Hopkins and Robert De Niro on the same screen and you no longer have just a movie ..You have God's favorite movie,