Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) So, why have my wild oats become prunes and bran flakes?

   Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)

   Sum girls beg&sum girls borrow sum girls lead & sum girls follow sum bring joy & sum bring sorrow but the best girls just suck & swallow!!

   A wise woman once told me...NOTHING.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.

   My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination.

   I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?

   I put the o in illiterate.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...

   I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high".

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!