Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I will only believe that YouTube truly has everything once I can see Burl Ives song Ham and Eggs on there. You have failed, internet.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   Corporation tip: Customer support should not sound like you are listening to a Bin Laden tape. I wonder if the FBI was listening in.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   It's never acceptable to hit a woman, unless that trick puts light mayo in your sandwich.

   Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.

   I have lived through death of Michael Jackson, first black president, Royal Wedding and Osama's death. My life's a fuc?ing history book.

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!

   may the 4ththe be with you, for tommorow is the revenge. of the 5yth

   going to take count of how many of his "clever" FB minions post the oh-so-original comment of "May the 4th be with you."

   May the 4th be with you for tommorow is the Revenge of the 5th

   On a ship, Captain Blackmails a girl, “If you dont sleep with me I'll sink the ship” Later, she text her husband, “You must be proud of me, I saved 600 passangers 9 times in 2 days.

   "The Avengers" is about 7 "heroes" trying to save the planet. A scary woman, a black guy, a rich guy, a fat nut, a patriotic dude, a guy with a god complex, and one who doesn't belong.... sounds like the Republican Primaries.

   If the tables were turned and men could give birth it would be nice to hear Maury say "YOU ARE NOT THE MOTHER"!!!!!!

   I dont like to flip the bird to anyone espcially first thing in the morning, but being constantly honked at when I CANT go anywhere make's me want to do just that!!!