Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   ah tuesday, mondays slightly less ugly sister

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   Here, let me tell you about a ton of opinionated bull$hit that's not actually news" - Every major news Channe

   If you remember the phrase "Yo Quero Taco Bell", you probably grew up in the 90's.

   I'm going to open a store next to FOREVER 21 and call it "FINALLY 22".....

   Do NOT lower your standards to "keep" anyone. Make them meet you at YOUR level. Self respect is power.

   Dear Websites that automatically play loud videos, thanks for trying to get me fired!

   You know you're awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with.

   When someone sends you a text that says “call me”. Why didn't you just damn call me?

   When I die I'm gonna become a ghost & watch attractive people shower.

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night...@

   Had to lift both feet on the toilet today......it was awesome!!!

   Noone is ever best-friends with an English major...

   the circus is in town!!! oh wait, nah, its jus walmart