Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for shit to happen.

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook