Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   "London Resident will have stationed on their rooftops batteries of surface to air missiles during the Olympics" ...What the hell are the expecting? The London Blitz of 2012?

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!

   President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,

   There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.

   2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die