Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am watching women's softball for the first time. I wish the camera would focus on the batter's box.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   For guys who try on women's clothing, if you really thought like a woman you would realize that you are wearing something that just doesn't fit.

   *spank* . DIDN'T . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND !

   Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   Don't you hate it when being polite and holding a door open turns into a "clowns in a car trick"?

   If you're going to be a dcik, you might as well be a huge one

   Ever skip a day from taking a shower, and you run your finger behind your ears and it smells like parmesan cheese?

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   My wife told me I spend too much time on facebook, so I poked her and liked her divorced status.

   Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.

   I have a great new way of lasting longer in bed with my wife. I keep my eyes open and think about her.

   Son when I was young there was no wheels on suitcases, we carried them wherever we went.

   I'll never forget my wife's last words "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Overheard" Toyota Prius- you may get 53 mpg in that, but chances are you are still not getting laid"

   I hold my bottle of beer the same way as I hold my wife. By the neck.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.

   My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.