Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.

   A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   I saw my therapist today, she didn't see me....grin..

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   My password is ***********.