Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My money keeps unfriending and unfollowing me.

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   One secret has kept our relationship going for all these years; whenever we argue and are mad at each other, we go to bed naked that night.

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   Snooki has written another book, which is an amazing accomplishment considering she's still trying to learn how to read her first one.

   Pre-ejaculatory fluid - It's a sign of things to come.

   I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (

   I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill.

   I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.

   Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date

   Who said nights were for sleep? ― Marilyn Monroe

   How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)

   You can't rush greatness.

   Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.

   Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food.

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Ive saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

   See Nude pictures of me → (Click here)

   TEQUILA wants to know... Have you hugged your toilet today?