Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"