Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   You know you are in for a sh!t day when you're sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend & your wife walks in.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face.

   One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

   Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

   Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...

   Beware, ticket Agencies are apparently selling fake London 2012 Olympic tickets, although my ticket for the mens wheelchair triple jump seems genuine enough.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man