Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   There are only two people in this world I wouldn't wanna have s@x with: My mom and ONE of my sisters.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   When you go down I go up, and I'm not talking about a seesaw either.

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   The power of the human brain is amazing!!!! Did you know if you pretend to take a salt shaker and shake it on your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste salt???!!!

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.

   There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)

   if a cannibal eats a vegetarian does that count as a full course meal?

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Apparently! My son say's i'm not old skool, I am in fact lame......Well I was so shocked I could of thrown my walkman at him.

   People usually complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.