Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...

   Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.

   TSA told me to report any suspicious activity, and they got mad when I told them I saw a black guy leaving a tip at one of the restaurant

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait