Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   My wife always closes her eyes during sex, she hates to see me having a good time.

   Ive been here for a while but never post, but every time someone upsets the balance and brings something new all you people do is complain. It refreshing to see somebody like meatloaf offer up some positive feedback.

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   I saw my ex go kiss her new boyfriend I shouted, "Hey! That's been on my pen!s!"

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   You take "the" out of psychotherapist.

   I don't wallow in self pity, I drink through it like a real man.

   Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.

   The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.

   What goes "mhau namih uh bah booh"? A deaf woman when your standing on her foot apparently.

   Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...

   Ron Artest - Metta World Peace, that's his name now, only gets a 7 game suspension for cheap shot in the NBA. Do we live in a society that rewards bad behavior? What's next, an endorsement for elbow macaroni?