Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I learn from the mistakes of others.... Who have taken my advice.

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   What's 12 inches and makes women wanna have sex? My hunting knife...

   I have watched, line by line, as a picture of a topless girl tries to load through a 28.8k modem onto a pentium II -only to see it fail at nipple level

   I like to close my eyes when I'm kissing a girl...That way the pepper spray doesn't get into my eyes.

   Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer teh olny oens brililnat ni unscarbmlnig snetneces leki thsi.

   My girlfriend and I are going through a tough period...Its actually her first...

   Teen pregnancy could easily be reduced if clubs had better lighting...

   Studies show that if you stare at woman's breasts for longer than 5 minutes...You are very likely to get a black eye.

   ...look daddy!!...the elephant is eating the peanuts right out of my hand!!..back away son, that's no elephant, that's a fat girl.

   if mothers taught their teen daughters to take it in the a$$, teen pregnancy would be greatly reduced!

   well it's not going to suck it's self!

   Based on how many haunted mansions there are, it's clear I'll never be wealthy enough to be a ghost.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.!

   i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   today I got a raise...so what? Today I also found out I'm to become a dad for the first time! Not the biggest deal! Later I won a paid trip to Hawaii! Yeah ok...Then I argued with the wife and she ended it by saying "you're right"! PARTY AT MY PLACE!

   When money 'talks' nobody checks the grammar..