Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   when someone says "no offense".. prepare to be offended

   ‎"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   I saw my massivly fat neighbor girl waddling out to her smart car with a few of her hefty friends, I guess the cows were going to a mooooovie or something.

   Ever find out your wiper wash is empty AFTER you have smeared bug guts all over your windshield?

   My karma punch card is going to be full after today:)

   ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store..............

   How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!

   Geese just call them bumps.

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap

   My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation

   You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.

   Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..

   There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.