Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

   I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.

   In life, people who deserve nothing usually end up getting everything.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   A ‘bad' woman is exciting and she's the kind of woman a man never gets tired of being around.

   Gals, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you get out, your boobs will be sparkling clean.

   You know sex is on the menu when she slingshots her bra across the room.

   As a Truck Driver, let me say after several days of mid 90 degree temps, beaver season is in full swing.

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have 5 fingers And the middle one's for YOU.,

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.