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Man-Flu is more painfull than childbirth. This is a scientific fact*. *(based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) 
the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!
I'm the kind of person that laughs at my own status updates before I post them... because i'm just too damn funny!
you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.
I didnt know that world peace meant elbows to the head...
Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..
I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.
Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.
What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.
fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...
When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.
Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.
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