Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   My wife says I'm "Immature"... just because I snuck up behind her when she was reading her "Romance" novel and made kissing sounds.....

   Happy National Surprise Random Drug Test Day!

   gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

   If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.

   Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.