Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   happier than a retard with a sparkler

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   When you say Jesus backwards it sounds just like "sausage."

   Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..