Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Greatest Person Ever

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."

   With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.

   The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

   Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.

   Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"

   Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"

   Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

   I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.

   Before you judge the younger generation remember who raised them.

   My chinese friend died last week. So Yung

   A father's goodness is higher than the mountain, a mother's goodness deeper than the sea.

   Divorce is very stressful/confusing for kids. Make sure to CLEARLY explain what they did to make you & your spouse split.