Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hey there "young" ones, before you go "setting the world on fire", how 'bout you just concentrate on NOT fcking up my order at the driv-through...thanks.

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

   How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

   The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it...

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Hiding in the restroom at work, just to post this (;

   Ever since shows like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, we have A$$HOLES who think they're judges.

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   wifey material " = down for you through whatever , holds it down , support system , loving , faithful, & sucks you up whenever you want it

   HOT = Hoez Out Today

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   Why would people send a friend request, without saying a word? It's almost like sitting on the train and staring at the stranger's eyes for 20 minutes...SMH

   Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.