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Satisfying your ego is not a easy job, you may get pleasure for a time but loneliness for lifetime 
Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.
Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.
If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help
Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.
Do you think the black iPhone run faster than the white iPhone
If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.
see if you can be the lucky one to be the 200th to like this I'll start the ball rolling
WEED: Atleast its not crack!
First GPS, now SIRI,,,more women telling me what to do and where to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laxatives scare the Crap out of me !
Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)
Time magazine just released this year 100 most influential people...How can Samuel Adams not make this list?...I'm under his influence everytime I leave a Bar.
I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.
I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.
People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.
Shout out to all the people on my friends list who have hidden me from their wall, and are unable to see this post.
Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.
My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.
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