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It's not true that women love big d!cks... I'm a big d!ck and women f@cking hate me 
when told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.
Save water, Shower with a friend.
Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.
Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.
Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.
My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.
I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.
some guys are such sluts I wouldn't even poke them on Facebook.
Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...
I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.
You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."
The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
Breaking News!! Ted Nugent To Be Interviewed By The Secret Service Secret Service " Hey Ted, Can I have your autograph?"
Art of management- "Let that person to be himself for few minutes and for the next few hours he will react only as you act" :P
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