Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there

   Men who are single, are single by choice. Women who are single, are single because they're b@t $hit cr@zy.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has 100 percent REPOST success rate

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

   Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.

   If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.