Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending

   Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?

   Breaking NEWS: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.