Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   Hey cell phone companies.. Can I tell me where I can find 4g? Oh there is none? Cause 4g is really 3g jus like xfinity is comcast!

   The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to someone you love.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   Why do people think that Jesus is coming back? It's not like he was nailed to a f-kin boomerang

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE

   Can you still get a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   Oh, you have read every Harry Potter book? That's cool. So how long have you been single?

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   BALL SO HARD MUTHAFCKAS WANNA FINE ME." "Grandma, just pay the parking ticket..."

   Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   My motto : Dumb is a five letter word.

   Shout out to my girlfriend who's in the hospital with a severe case of nonexistence.