Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   i love you as much as the first piece of bead that nobody claims

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   longing for the 80's. Long hair, long guitar solos, long pubes...

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

   New bumper sticker: If it is against the law for me to follow you home and shove that cell phone up your bum than you better keep your car in your lane!

   Turtles are like toasters, if you throw unicorns at them, Dishwasher.

   there is no quicker way to separate yourself from god as to judge your fellow man

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   oh oh here comes the slutty shorts

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   Practicing your signature over and over again, just incase you become famous.

   every episode I've seen of "1,000 ways to die" someone has died cause of something happening to their ass

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   Dr. just told me I have cancer and alzhiemers....atleast I dont have cancer