Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot)

   The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.

   I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!!!

   The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

   Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?

   To err is human , to arr is Pirate ...

   The U.S. Secret Service...secretly being serviced ;)

   Love comes from the brain; an erecti0n comes from the heart.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   Don't judge me just because I sin differently from you.