Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   whos your step daddy once removed by your second cousin?!

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I'm just really bad at doing my own laundry.

   My local Walmart has 28 checkout aisles except for when it's really busy then it only has 2 

   Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

   I bet people working at the U.S treasury make a lot of money. (I write my own jokes)

   I just saw the most adorable Asian baby and I tried to say, "Aww, so cute," but her mom smacked me before I got to "cute."

   wondering why the need to pee intensifies by a million when you're trying to unlock the door?

   Awesome idea... You and 2 of your friends go to 3 separate dealerships and test drive the same make, model, and color car. Then you meet up somewhere, all swap cars, and take them back. Then say you'll keep their card and be in touch.

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   I'm like a magician in bed, I'll make all your hopes and dreams disappear.

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   I'll check again but i'm pretty sure I could care less that Brad and Angelina are getting married...

   I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day....

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?