Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.