Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

   My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed?

   My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.

   The correct measurement of toilette paper is from the dispenser to the floor for two-ply, and dispenser to the floor with a half turn for single.

   ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) (O.O) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) Opening a pack of gum at school.

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..