Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   Took 2 benedryl last night. When I woke up, my best friend was missing, and Mike Tyson's tiger was in my bathroom.

   At 24 Hour Fitness. Trying to get them to stay open an extra hour so I can really take things to the next level.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!

   With "Slim T's" t-shirts Man has finally perfected the Wifebeater-girdle.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. I've been stuck in this tuna net for five days.

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!