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Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever. 
My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?
My wife wanted to go window shopping so I took her to Jones Pane and Glass!
Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*
thought about you in the shower...twice
Black is beautiful, tan is grand, but white is the color of the big boss man!
just putting some salad bits on my bacon
I'm watching Lionel Ritchie, and Big and Rich are doing Brick House. I am not convinced country singers need to stick to country, and leave the R&B to people with rhythm!
not understanding why so many guys are wearing "TAPS" Tight-ass-pants.
On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.
Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!
Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about
I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...
Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?
A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.
The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.
Saturday... When adding whiskey to your coffee is NOT frowned upon.
Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.
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