Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

   Dudes that are upset because instagram is now available on Android are prolly the same dudes who pees while sitting down.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.

   Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   What do you call the head of North Korea's failed rocket program ?.......The Deceased....!

   David Lee Roth is apparently an old man now, yelling that the air conditioning was too cold in the arena last night, salsa dancing, jazz hands, total cornball.

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.