Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   What is the difference between a pick pocketer and a peeping Tom? Pick Pocketer snatches watches…..

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.

   The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams.

   When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent

   Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he is adopted...