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Due to the shortage of any great leaders in my government, I have decided to follow myself... seems that I just keep walking around in circles though. 
To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month
I'd really like to know how far you ran today and whether it felt great and then see a picture of your smoothie.
You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.
The next president of the USA will be named Barack, Mitt or Newt! You can't make this stuff up...
Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!
The economy must be bad. I just saw Micheal J Fox working at Home Depot. He was in the paint department.
Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!
Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!
Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.
first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????
Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.
Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.
Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.
❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.
Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.
If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
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