Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   It's fitting to have Wrestlemania on April Fools Day..

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.