Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   I never win at Scrable

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"

   Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?

   I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   Don't bother flirting with a girl on fb who has no pics posted of herself. You'd be better off with your face buried in Randy Jackson's a$$ all night, than to go on a date with her.

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.