Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.

   Finally baked my wife her favorite cake. She took one bite and spit it out. I feel so stupid....she meant "Carrot Cake" not " Parrot Cake" That was a wasted trip to the pet store.

   The Hunger Games? Is that like olympics for overweight former athletes or something?

   I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home. She said yes with a big smile... So I walked off with her cardboard box.

   For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!

   When life gives Lady Gaga lemons... She makes an outfit.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's fish drowned...It was tragic.

   I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment. We just sleep together every night and wake up together every morning.

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   Google's self-driving car... 200,000 test miles, countless hours and dollars spent, and where is the first place the blind man drives himself.... Taco Bell!

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".

   You do know that you stand a better chance of being attacked by a polar ninja than winning the megamillions

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.