Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get

   What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...

   "WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details......

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   I don't understand why Aardvarks are so special to the Muslims in the middle east.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was young... but I love you now.

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?

   If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be "In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body."

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...