Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   Did you know that Facebook existed in the old testament? Daniel 5 says ".....and God wrote on Belshazzar's wall" :) and modes had them I pad tablets that he broke

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”.

   I'm so blessed that I'm not the type of person who says "I'm so blessed."

   I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.

   I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   "I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?

   i guess "Russell Brand's" upcoming movie will be called "forgetting katy perry"j.G

   Hopes her status is now fixed so she can back to her false reality that she is popular;)

   I think I'm losing my mind but nobody can tell the differance

   torn between the options of a two hour walk or a two hour bath...

   I'm great in bed, I can sleep for days!

   Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?

   You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,

   Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.